GREG GUTFELD: For Democrats, politics is upstream from everything

So, we're one week out from Election Day, and one way or another, somebody is going to win this thing. It's not going to end in a tie like soccer or the hottest abs in the Cancun contest I should have won last year. Right now, the polls are razor-thin, at least according to the lying, spineless f---weeds in the media. Because if you compared the polls to common sense, you'd think we're in two different worlds. There's a celebratory vibe on one side and sheer bats--- craziness on the other. How can it be tied if one side is acting so desperate? I mean, we're having fun, and they're having seizures calling you Hitler. 

The Wall Street Journal says "America is having a panic attack over the election." Sure. But is it really a both sides sort of thing? It seems every four years we only get more polarized. Hell, I remember the good old days when Randi Weingarten and I used to play men's doubles. Not anymore. Too much hate. So what are we going to do once it's over? How does a person come back from calling you a Nazi? It's going to make it really awkward at your nephew's bar mitzvah. So let's say you support Trump and he wins. How are you going to react? You'll probably gloat a little. I'll probably send the cast of The View a truckload of hogs to comfort eat. 

Maybe you'll do an end zone dance. But, you know, there will be some seriously ticked off people if Trump wins. Hell, they're ticked off already. And if we consider recent history, it's entirely possible they'll riot if Trump wins. Which is why I have already boarded up my grandparents. You remember D.C. in 2017 when Trump was inaugurated and the next four years were just one long, nervous breakdown on the left? Just ask the human tampon, Tim Walz. For him, burning down his city was considered free speech. His wife loves the smell, which doesn't say much for his body spray. And we're already seeing how libs behave when they think Trump might win.

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You know, screaming at a literal baby is not the sort of thing you do when you're confident of victory. Well, unless you're going to win a paternity test. But we see the same hysteria daily on TV. Right, Whoopi?

WHOOPI GOLDBERG: What we heard at that rally should be enough to shake folks awake because he's talking about you. He's talking about you and us. He's not going to, you know, say, oh, you're with the white guy. I'm going to keep you from being deport...No, he's going to deport you and put the white guy with someone else, the man is out there.

That's not crazy at all. Seriously, did someone spike her sack of oats? It gets even worse when Morning Joe and The View collide like a 20-foot septic truck hitting a porta potty.

MSNBC host Mika Brzezinski: Nobody gets a pass trashing America. Yeah. Puerto Rican Americans. Nobody gets a pass. Degrading people. Nobody gets a pass. Threatening his enemies with using the military gets against them. Nobody gets a pass on inciting an insurrection. Nobody gets a pass on saying he fancies Hitler and wants to have generals like his. Nobody gets a pass on insulting veterans and saying those who died for our country are suckers and losers; except for convicted felon Donald Trump.

She needs a pass to the psych ward. These people, they're not well. And if they can't handle themselves now, imagine in a week's time. It's kind of sad that all we can do is hope the liberal freak out won't be too bad this time. But what about the flip side of that coin? What if Kamala wins? Well, libs have less to worry about from us. January 6th was a one-off. Unlike the Democrats' unending tumult during the Trump years. By the way, Kudlow's tip to invest in plywood really paid off. 

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Of course, there's going to be a lot of grumbling, and I told you so's. But the panic has less to do with pro-Trumpers and everything to do with the other side. If Trump loses, God forbid, you, the viewer may be sad, you might take it hard, but you always bounce back because your life is prioritized. Don't forget that. Family, friends, God, work, politics for you is downstream from that. But for Democrats, politics is upstream from everything. Which is why Dems say they'd never even date someone from a different political party. Which is fine. Most Republican men don't like women with penises. Most. 

For the Dems, politics has polluted every part of their lives. And if you believe that power underscores every behavior, which is the left's ideology, then even friendships are transactional. It makes the real world smaller, for they miss out on other people who aren't like them. They learn nothing except to hate. But you treat politics differently. You treat it like a box of junk that you take out of the closet every few years, and you keep it away from the kids, away from public gatherings, and you never, ever take it to work. 

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Jan 6 aside, Republicans know how to have a good time. Lively rallies, hilarious memes, relentlessly free speech. Hell, we even changed Joe's name to Brandon. Which sucks. Well, it sucks for him. He was already having a hell of a time remembering his real name. Either way, we're going to figure out no matter who wins. The president isn't the king of America, and we're not his or her or their/them subjects. Whether we lose or win, that message is loud and very clear. 

Former President Donald Trump and Vice President Kamala Harris. (Photo illustration) (Fox News)

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The media, the bureaucrats, the corrupt institutions, the elites, they got to realize that we got their number. And I'm hoping that number is bigger than theirs next week. But if it's not, it's OK because we're just getting warmed up.