Caught between 'gentle' and 'FAFO'? Authoritative parenting is what actually works.

As parents, we’re all just trying to figure out the best way to raise our kids, and there’s no shortage of parenting styles that people swear by — from tough love to gentle parenting and everything in between. It can feel like you have to choose a side if you want to do things right: Should you be a permissive parent who is nurturing and sets few boundaries, or a strict parent with rigid rules that your kids must obey or else? But parenting doesn’t have to be black or white. There’s a sweet spot somewhere in between.

In the 12th episode of their podcast, "After Bedtime With Big Little Feelings," Big Little Feelings founders Deena Margolin, a child therapist specializing in interpersonal neurobiology, and Kristin Gallant, a parenting coach with a background in maternal and child education, dive into what people often get wrong about popular parenting styles and how a blend of both is best for raising confident, resilient and compassionate kids. In this edition of Yahoo’s "After After Bedtime" column, Margolin clears up some common misconceptions, including how some people confuse gentle with permissive parenting and how fear-based parenting falls short. Margolin also shares four practical tips parents can use to help them validate how their child is feeling while still firmly sticking to the boundaries they’ve set.

If you’re parenting in 2025 armed with a smartphone, you’re probably caught between following two ideologies: on one side of the spectrum is gentle parenting, a child-led approach to attachment and discipline, and the other is FAFO (f*** around and find out) parenting, which is letting kids experience life and the natural consequences that arise. Search parenting styles online, and you’ll be inundated with videos saying that kids need tough discipline, followed by another one that says it’s crucial to validate your child’s every emotion. It’s enough to make your head spin. Am I being too soft? Am I screwing them up? Do I need to be harder? What are we supposed to do? What kind of parent am I supposed to be? How do I raise a good, kind, resilient, strong kid?

But here’s the truth: Parenting isn’t a tug-of-war between “soft” and “hard” — or at least it doesn’t have to be. Decades of research show the extremes on both ends — permissive and authoritarian — don’t work. The parenting style proven to raise the most resilient, empathetic and capable kids? It’s one that blends warmth and structure. It’s called authoritative parenting, and no, it’s not “weak.” In fact, it’s the most powerful approach we have.

Reframing some beliefs about parenting

First, let’s clear up some misconceptions about parenting styles:

Gentle parenting isn’t the same thing as permissive parenting. Validating emotions doesn’t mean letting your kid walk all over you. Boundaries and warmth can — and must — coexist.

Fear-based obedience isn’t respect. When kids comply because they’re scared, they’re not learning self-control — they’re learning survival. That’s not resilience.

Toughness comes from safety, not fear. The ability to take risks, bounce back and handle life’s challenges grows from a secure, connected relationship — not from being yelled at or shamed.

4 practical tips parents can use today

Here’s how to bring warmth and structure into real-life parenting moments:

Try the “Connect Then Correct” formula: First, connect with your child by naming the emotion they’re feeling (“I see you’re frustrated we have to leave the park”). Then, hold the boundary (“It’s time to go. I totally get why you feel mad, and I’ll help you into the stroller.”).

Swap threats for “When/Then” statements: Instead of “If you don’t put your shoes on, no TV tonight,” try “When your shoes are on, then we can head to the park.” It keeps the tone firm but collaborative. This is a hack for when they’re looking forward to doing something, which is a natural motivator.

Keep boundaries short and predictable: Kids feel safest when the rules don’t change based on your mood. Decide on key house rules, and remind them and enforce them consistently.

Validate without giving in: You can address how your child is feeling while still firmly sticking with the limits you’ve set. For example: “I get that you really want more screen time. It’s hard when it’s time to stop. The iPad is done for today; we’ll have more tomorrow.”